His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
