I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
