her vagine was all disorganized.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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