You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
