She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
