..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
