The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
