He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker