i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize