Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
