the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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