i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
