Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
