She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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