I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we made out on top of his cat.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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