He kissed a someone with a penis
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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