Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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