theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i think im in europe. pls send help
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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