"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
