dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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