There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize