im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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