There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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