ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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