i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
