I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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