college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
