Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she smelled like a LAN party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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