i may or may not be watching the land before time
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
