I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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