It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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