Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
