Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
