I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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