Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
