Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
