Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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