Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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