Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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