No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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