I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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