her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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