I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
