i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
