You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I love you. Go after that dick
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