I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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