i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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