But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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