I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
