My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
