you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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