make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
