I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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