Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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