Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
